Fire and Brimstone…

Upon hearing the excruciating cries, smelling the toxic, sulfur-like emissions, and seeing the wailing expressions of a demon-spawn on “fire,” I wondered if I had somehow arrived in the underworld and was facing Beelzebub himself.  When I awoke from my sleep-deprived fog, I realized that I was not in hell…I was actually in the comfort of my own bedroom and it was 1:30am.  I thought to myself, “WHAT THE [email protected]#K?”

This was only our first night home after five excruciatingly long days in the hospital.  Up to this point, our new little bundle of joy had actually been pretty much that – he was breast feeding well, sleeping well, and quite the little snuggle bug.  I’d had extremely little sleep since he was born because I could barely take my eyes off him and I didn’t want to miss a moment.   So hopefully you can understand my utter shock to find that the horrific sounds I heard, and the intense odors I smelled, were actually coming from my own little 2-day old hell-child.  I think what surprised me most was that something this small could actually be this loud and produce smells this unbelievably grotesque.

Well, it didn’t take long to get jolted back to reality, because upon checking his diaper, it looked and smelled as if he had literally been shooting fire and brimstone from his ass.  I won’t go into detail here because you really don’t want to know.  That said, for those of you still curious about the stench, think bubbling and gurgling sulfur (if you have visited Old Faithful and the surrounding area, you’ll understand).  After gathering our poise and fumbling though the changing and disposing of our spawn’s diaper, my wife and I wondered what could have caused this?

As I was trying to calm our poor little hell-boy from his traumatic experience, I could hear the gurgling of his stomach and could only assume that something inside him was “bubbling” just like those sulfur pools near Old Faithful.  Then it dawned on us – what mommy eats while breastfeeding, really must affect the baby.  Why we didn’t think of this sooner, I have no idea (actually I do, it’s what extreme sleep deprivation will do to your reasoning skills).

You see, earlier that day, after getting home from the hospital, mommy was craving her favorite sushi from Mikuni (our favorite local sushi joint).  So daddy delivered – spicy tuna roll, Benjamin roll with jalapeños, tuna nigiri with extra wasabi.  For dinner that night, mommy was craving her favorite salad and pizzas from Tuli Bistro (one of our favorite local restaurants).   So daddy delivered – Caesar salad with tons of garlic and anchovies, the Smoky Goat Pizza (which is laced with jalapeños), and the Salumi Pizza (which is covered in a spicy marinara and showered with three types of meat, including hot coppa).  All of these items are fantastic and chock full of flavor, but as you can imagine, we realized in hindsight that this was probably not a great idea.  Though delicious and comforting in the moment, such a combo could be lethal to the insides of mommy and 2-day old baby (especially when consumed in a 6-7 hour period).

Though the experience was painful for all, the good news is that we all recovered.  After a few hours, our little man changed from shades of beet red to a more normal pinkish tint, and he finally went to sleep.   So did mommy and daddy…until the next feeding and diaper change.

More importantly, we also learned one very valuable lesson.  Though it sucks to be “deprived” of some of the foods you love (especially for an extended period of time, like pregnancy), there is no need to make up for nine months of lost time in a day.  For the moms in the crowd, my advice is to pace yourself on the road back to “normal” (especially immediately after giving birth and during your first few days after arriving home).

Until soon…thanks for listening.


  1. Beth McKillop says:

    No: Spicey, Highly gassed (broccoli, cauliflower, legumes for a few examples), greens (salad not so good), booze, garlic & probably a billion other items I can’t think of right now. Jakes tummy is sensitive – a poop is an accomplishment! Be kind! What goes in goes out – keep hydrated Mom – Dad make sure she has something to drink while breast feeding – think equal exchange! Give her the baby to feed w/ a full glass if something!

  2. "Great Uncle Chuck" says:

    Loved your update. Damnn you should publish your great writing skills. You are a natural!! I laughed my ass off!!! Now having said that, I am still compelled to provide you at Jake’s tender newborn age a quote that remains with me from 45 years ago at our first newborn’ s. it is from Cahill Gibrand. , 1883-1931…” Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts.You may house their bodies but not their souls,For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow , which you cannot visit,not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarried with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the the archer’s hand be for gladness; For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is being stable… Now that my mouth has gone like a duck’s ass , we are truly sharing the new joy of JAKE, Love to all. Uncle Chuck & aunt Jo Ann. Have Fun.

  3. Caroline says:

    Haven’t you been parents for close to two weeks? Maybe talk to us or write this when you are a little more experienced and actually know what you are talking about.

    • Wow Caroline. I’m sorry that you feel so strongly. I’m intrigued to hear what you so object to and would love for you to impart some of your wisdom if you see things differently.


      Dad Bouton

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